Friday, August 14th, 2009 at 12:00 AM by Ruth Tynes / Online Editor / InTheTimes.com
Q:
My boyfriend and his family moved to a different state 3 months ago. At first we talked to each other everyday on the phone, chatted on IM, and mailed each other cute little gifts. Now when I call him, he won't pick up, and it takes days for him to return my calls instead of a few minutes or at most a few hours... He's never on IM anymore, he never returns my e-mails, and the little gifts have stopped. But he hasn't broken up with me... I'm starting to think that long-distance love is a bad idea... Any advice?
A: Long-distance relationships are a touchy subject...sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, it all depends on the individuals.
One of the most important things to remember when handling this situation, is that communication is very important in any relationship (with God, dating, marriage, friends, family, work, teams/groups that you are a part of, etc.). Communication is how you get to know a person better (which is a life-long process) and build important virtues within your relationship, such as love, trust, understanding, compassion, humor, etc. (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 1 Peter 4:8)
Your boyfriend has obviously gone through changes with moving--changing schools, making new friends, getting used to living in a different environment, etc. If he has told you that he is struggling with the changes involved with moving to a different state and this is why he isn't diligent about calling you, etc. then pray about how to respond.
"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:5-7, NIV)
However, if your boyfriend has not offered an explanation for the decline in communication with you, he is probably wanting 'to move on'. But, he is acting immaturely and selfishly by not 'being a man' and 'standing up' to communicating this to you in a respectful way. (see Genesis 3:12,17-19)
He is not 'protecting your feelings / heart' (see Proverbs 4:23) by leaving you hanging, wondering what gives. This shows no character. If he will leave you hanging when it comes to communicating an issue of such importance as the status of your dating relationship, imagine what he would leave you hanging with in marriage! (see Matthew 25:14-30) As hard as it is, be glad that you are getting out of this relationship when it's easier...
One of the reasons that I love reading the story of Ruth & Boaz in the Bible, is that Boaz showed tremendous character towards Ruth from the beginning and throughout their growing relationship!
Throughout their story, we see Boaz exhibiting Godly character by making sure that Ruth was taken care of holistically. Spiritually, by reminding Ruth of God's faithfulness to her because she chose to follow / obey / serve Him. (see Ruth 2:11-12) Physically, by making sure that his servants / staff respected Ruth as they would any other member of his household, and by making sure that she had more than enough food to eat. (see Ruth 2:8-9; 14-16) Emotionally, by letting Ruth know that he was her friend, that he admired her very much, and that her Godly lifestyle was very encouraging to him.
Boaz was never patronizing to Ruth, yet protected her already delicate feelings / heart. Boaz did not over step himself / be over confident in matters pertaining to Ruth, instead he was very respectful of her. That is what us Godly girls should want, a guy that isn't apathetic when it comes to us / our lives or uncomfortably dominating. Boaz was a balanced man, Boaz was a leader, not a follower. What a combination! =)
With that, you probably need to go ahead and call your might-as-well-already-consider-him-to-be-your ex-boyfriend and let him know how you feel (leave a message if he doesn't pick up). Let him know that you still care for him, but you two should just be friends under the circumstances and that you wish him the best in life and many blessings.
"But I tell you who hear Me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you... Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that...But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." (Luke 6:27-28, 31-33, 35-36, NIV)
Don't let this situation negatively affect you, focus on not arguing with him about 'what could have been' (see James 4:1-3), and don't let this experience 'define you'. He's 'moved on' and you need to as well ! Be proud of your decision to act maturely!
God bless! RUTH
* This is an excerpt from the book InTheTimes.com Q&A by Ruth Tynes. Copyright 2008. It may not be reprinted or posted without written permission from the author. Please contact for reprint permission.
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